Shannon, our expert matchmaker and date coach often helps people who are single and alone with overcoming a poor love experience, sadness or anger, or a history of failed relationships – or worse – when losing a beloved they expected to be with “forever after”.
She researches many experts views on the matters of dating/relating/mating and also consults with other experts who specialise in specific fields, like death, bereavement, trauma and starting over. It is vital to start on the pathway to finding love again in a confident and positive frame of mind.
Shannon was discussing this very serious need with Bruce Riley, a recognised facilitator and counsellor who helps many people recover from bereavement, or building new relationships, healing broken relationships, and also empowering Singles with a plan for dating and seeking new love and a new chapter. Bruce agrees, in his article below: humans are hardwired to be loving and be loved and nobody needs to stay single and alone, especially after their 40’s when the clock is ticking!
Finding Love Again After 40 And Doing Dating Right
Everyone more-or-less gets it that younger singles seeking love and embarking on a “forever after” love match, are happy, positive, proactive and their dreams look like fairy tales and moonbeams and stardust! Maybe they have only tasted the meaning of love and now yearn to share a bright future with someone permanent, their soulmate. Despite the stardust blinding them, a reality check on what is out there, the challenges they will face and even learning to iron out “differences” can be fast-tracked when using a matchmaker and date coach or relationship therapist. Meeting the RIGHT OTHERS is key!
But for those who have been through a divorce or even bereavement, especially after 40, the journey is more sensitive and choosing then to partner with a new love a very important milestone. And being personally introduced to the RIGHT prospects is even more vital! Dating blindly can be a risky business.
Singles dating over 40 come with history (some may say “baggage”) and need to heal and be ready for a new experience. These singles need to approach dating as a new project and have a clear “dating by design” plan. Time is not on their side for experimenting and frivolous dating! It usually starts with meeting virtual strangers, and what better than to be introduced by a matchmaker (also a profiler) a ”virtual friend” in an organic way, to the RIGHT compatible others!
A New Dating Plan And Dealing With Old Trauma
Human beings are designed to be in relationships- we function better when we have a sounding board with whom to bounce ideas off! We enjoy communication with other human beings on all different levels and probably the most important communication is with someone we trust and love implicitly. It is this relationship that I want to focus on – the loving relationship and when it ends! Why did it end?
No normal human being forms a bond with another person to end that relationship in a traumatic fashion – our natural desire is for that interaction to grow and mature as time passes by!
So when the relationship suddenly hits a rough patch or becomes unpleasant we automatically go into survival mode! When a relationship dies a slow death the acceptance of that state is easier to accept! However, for the majority of cases, the ending of an emotionally charged bond with another person is indeed a traumatic occurrence!
There are many reasons why relationships end but by far the most traumatic is when the death of a partner through illness or
the death of a partner through suicide or violence occurs.
Perhaps the most emotionally charged termination is that of a deliberate decision on the part of one of the partners to end the interaction! This is hurtful and extremely painful for the other partner especially if that partner is still in love with the partner wishing to end the partnership.
Dating From Scratch – Acknowledgement That A Love Relationship Has Ended
And so it’s in this regard that some pointers are needed to assist the parties to recover and move on with their lives in a positive manner. Starting over and finding love again can be a game-changer! It can even be a great new future! A second chance! Lessons from the past are positive pointers on how to do dating right!
Firstly there needs to be an acknowledgement that a problem has arisen- ownership of the problem needs to be addressed. When blame and anger cloud judgement it is very easy to lose sight of where the problem originated. Never date for revenge, for example.
One of the biggest factors in relationships breaking down is the lack of communication- parties assume the other member automatically understands what the goal of the relationship hopes to achieve, but they often do not.
Honest communication is a two-way street; listening and understanding are key for the communication to be effective! When A needs B to react in a certain way A must communicate clearly what the intention of the communication is. If B does not listen with the object of understanding then miscommunication results and frustration develops.
The Broken Love Bond – Expert Help In Not Repeating Bad Patterns In Dating
It is amazing when one looks back and considers the path that led to the breakup the small details that together wrought the destruction of the relationship!
The absence of forgiveness or the deliberate refusal to forgive is one of the greatest factors that destroy a relationship.
Other factors such as financial constraints, unfaithfulness of one or both partners to the sanctity of the relationship or just loss of interest in working together to make the relationship viable cause relationships to flounder!
How does one recover from the trauma of the broken bond?
Firstly one needs to be kind to oneself! It serves no purpose to castigate and blame oneself for the relationship ending! Acknowledging the part that one may or may not have played is important. In this way, forgiveness can be instituted and healing of emotions can take place.
It’s also important to acknowledge the role of the ego; no one likes to feel foolish but realizing that humility paves the way to a resolution of the situation makes that a wise choice to follow!
Righteous indignation sometimes prevails but here too when this is dealt with quickly and effectively healing rapidly follows!
Sadness often results once the anger and hurt have dissipated- a feeling of “if only”. It’s important to recognise these feelings as quite normal-people change and it’s not unusual for two parties in a relationship to grow and change! The vital component is to work and absorb the changes together, thereby becoming stronger.
It’s also quite normal to be cautious about becoming involved in another relationship however, it is wise to have some time alone before embarking on a new interaction and involvement with another person. Some people feel insecure if they are not emotionally connected to another person and so they allow themselves to go into a new emotional investment without resolving the issues of the past relationship! Resolution is the key to dealing with the problems of the past!
Human beings are created to be in relationships – the way we manage each one determines the success and eventual outcome!
We would love to hear from you today! Please complete the Personal Profile (it is very confidential and not online) and submit and we will email you for an appointment to discuss your needs. If you need to speak to Bruce about your needs to start over, we can connect you.
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