Blog-10-Oct

Toxic Relationships – Gaslighting and Red Flags to Watch for When Dating

If you have ever been traumatised by a relationship and thought you were going crazy nuts, these red flag and advice will help you!  Put on your running shoes and run before it is too late!! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is also recognised now as a result of toxic relationships.  Maybe it really is NOT you, but how can you be sure?

To cover the whole range of behaviour patterns by narcissists, manipulators, others with personality disorders or downright clinical pathologies or even sociopaths, and more, we use the termGASLIGHTING to cover the entire scenario!

It is very human that we all want to be good people, to tolerate, negotiate and aim to please our partners, wish to gain approval and be rewarded – in normal relationships it is a natural “tango” couples dance in an environment of harmony and caring for each other.

The tragedy is when things are NOT happy and you have this heaviness in your heart, convinced you must be doing it wrong, your heart is a little sad, and anxiety starts to undermine your confidence. It is human to look inward and wonder if it is in fact US that is out of step!!

Hope burns eternal that things will change, after all, life is about evolving and personal growth and everyone deserves a chance. You both surely want the same things out of life and love???  So what is wrong with the picture?

How to Un-love a Narcissist – Stop All Engagement and Walk Away

The kick-ass killer is when you are in too deep and can’t escape without a ton of pain…it is too late once you are married, so prevention is better than cure, watch out for signs BEFORE you commit!! The only solution is run!! No kindness or logic can work.

The sad thing is these Gaslighters are often the most intelligent sounding people, usually leaders, appear to be problem solvers (have all the answers) charming, generous and lovely at times (all for their ego but not easy to spot as they come bearing praise and gifts too to eye blind you) and will flatter you enough to be gullible, playing on your vulnerability……always with an agenda to manipulate……..no matter what you do, NOTHING changes!!!

 Red Flags when Dating  – Trust Your Gut:

  1. Humiliation and blame (it is never them) the words never matter, it is the confusion you feel as you question your own mind
  2. Denying something that was said or happened actually happened – causing the victim to doubt their memory, logic and sanity
  3. Planting seeds of doubt on your actions, intentions – you question reality, as a tactic to isolate you from your normal world
  4. They use the reward system:  “if you do this I will give you ….do that for you….”.  Whatever, and it is usually 100% to their benefit……..and promises are easily forgotten or broken, and even as this happens, it is your fault!
  5. They are uncanny and KNOW what stability and security means to the victim, exactly what to hit on, and will shatter all your foundations of your very existence, your very “being”
  6. They will lavish you with praise and even gifts or promises of huge rewards, then pull the mat on you, there is always a BUT ……”you are lovely, BUT if you were nicer to me..”….or “if you did what I asked THEN maybe you would have received…..”
  7. Everything they accuse you of (imagined or suspected) is usually exactly what they are doing, they are masters of projection before anything happens, until you are afraid to move (you stop going to the gym because you are accused of eyeing others)…exactly what they are doing! Even if caught red-handed they have plausible excuses and reasons …
  8. Toxic words are fed into your system like a slow torturous poisoning until you start to believe IT IS ME, NOT THEM! You buckle.
  9. They blatantly deny they said it or did it, when you KNOW they did, and it becomes a “you said, he said, she said” until you are a blithering idiot……..you are the crazy one and you need to see a therapist!
  10. They make you feel LUCKY to have them, because you have no real friends, they remind you, your family is dysfunctional or whatever, you are sub-standard and nobody will want you……

We hear many tales of woe from new clients seeking to start over, singles who have been damaged by toxic relationships, and even some stuck in toxic relationships and do not know how to escape……. the abuse is deep and leaves terrible scars.  We are always here to help you if in doubt, if you believe you have fallen for a Gaslighter!!

Our coach Veronica is an expert on helping you identifying repeating patterns – whether it is us or the perceived loved one, so please do not hesitate to email her to discuss veronica@succeedatlove.com .

In many cases it can also be that we are eternal victims because we attract the same repeating patterns, the manipulators, bullies and others that undermined us, because it often goes back to our own childhood experiences. We can all change perspectives with expert help!

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