Recognizing the Key Differences
Hi there everybody, and trust everyone is enjoying the approach of summer and working productively – and enjoying strong and loving relationships!
As a Date and relationship Coach and also a human behaviorist/profiler, I am often asked if narcissism and Avoidance Personality Disorder are the same.
They are not the same – but the ultimate result is they are both behavioral patterns that ultimately are used to manipulate or control others. By putting themselves on a pedestal where they are perceived to always be right (albeit with different behaviours), most of their relationships may be too intimidated to confront or convince of any alternative viewpoints, and mission accomplished, being challenged is avoided.
So no, “avoidance personality disorder” is not a form of narcissism. Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are two distinct personality disorders with different characteristics and symptoms. Where the first disorder uses a “don’t bite me I am sensitive” approach and dissolves into an injured “victim” mode when they perceive a threat, the second disorder uses an arrogant style “I am always right and it is not my fault, it is you, not me” attack that shames and blames everyone else. Even friendly “arguments” to try and solve a problem or negotiate a positive solution with either disorder will prove futile as they will keep shifting the topic, occurrence or situation to suit themselves.
AvPD: Withdrawal and Fear of Rejection
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD): Individuals with AvPD tend to have a pervasive pattern of social inhibition and are usually loners who prefer a comfort zone of their own making (their closest and nearest know better than to challenge) secretly doubt themselves but have feelings of inadequacy and are hypersensitive to criticism. They often avoid social situations and fear rejection or embarrassment. People with AvPD typically have low self-esteem and can be extremely self-critical. They desire social relationships but avoid them due to intense anxiety and fear of being judged negatively and can often be regarded as a “people pleaser” as they strive to thrive on approval – but then react like a wounded animal when any correction, change or different aspect is needed in any given situation, accusing their perceived protagonists as being bullies, manipulative, ungrateful or demeaning. They may even adapt a submissive and “beaten dog” stance to get others to back off.
NPD: Self-Centeredness and Need for Domination
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): In contrast, individuals with NPD display a pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others and see themselves as benefactors “I only do the best for you” and expect to be praised and receive only gratitude in return – and woe betide the ungrateful!! They have an inflated sense of self-importance and often believe they are special and entitled to special treatment. People with NPD often manipulate others to maintain their self-image and may have difficulty forming genuine, empathetic relationships but on the surface are regarded as very charming, generous and caring – all of course with an agenda to control and avoid being challenged either. They often adapt the “winner takes all – or else!!” as a threatening stance.
Both disorders are self-serving, the main objective being to avoid real issues that do often need addressing even if meant as constructive and key to personal growth and development and maintain their “don’t mess with me” subliminal message. One will cower and one will attack.
While both personality disorders involve difficulties in relating to others, they manifest in very different ways. AvPD is characterized by social withdrawal and fear of rejection, avoiding any uncomfortable situations and reacting by going into victim mode, while NPD is characterized by self-centeredness and a need for domination, admiration and subservience until you doubt your own sense of reason or sanity.
Food for thought?
We are always standing by if you need clarification on any red flags you see in relationships that are less than satisfactory.
Always with love and light,
Shannon
Expert Date and Relationship Coach and matchmaker.
Read next blog: Was dating easier before the digital era?