Simply saying “goodbye and thanks” to end a relationship or dating adventure, opposed to the sudden ignoring or blocking of someone is a serious matter, as much psychological damage causes trauma to even the most hardened people when they choose the cowards way out and ghost someone.
The word ghosting is now officially recognized in the dictionary and has become standard practice and a way of life for many – especially in the world of dating. It became very common once the digital space colonized the dating scene and picking up dates from dating sites and dating apps was as easy as buying a loaf of bread. But what if the “bread” lost its appeal? We can bin the now unwanted “bread”, but just “binning” someone by ghosting them without any gracious exit, it is extremely cruel and painful for the ghostee. It also diminishes the selfworth of the ghoster.
Your Matchmaker Helps Prevent Ghosting Trauma
Shannon, owner of the two award winning personal dating agencies in SA and an expert on the dating game, explains how much they try to embed basic human dignity within their dating e-club “We’re encouraging daters to keep the momentum going with their current conversations or properly end off a conversation to give the person on the other side the closure they need”. If they do not have the courage to be honourable, at least ask our date coach for suggestions on how to exit a relationship in the kindest way. It is important for one’s self esteem to still leave a good impression even if it causes someone pain for a while. The pain soon fades, but the bad impression of the ghoster is never forgotten!!
Warning Signs When Things Go Bad - Ask Your Date Coach
Ghosting, although ubiquitous and rude, is generally considered callous and unkind. Unlike a plaster-ripping breakup, it necessitates slow death. You literally are left feeling haunted by a million negative thoughts, assumptions and feelings and are left feeling like discarded rubbish. It leaves you on tenterhooks waiting for a text. Looking at your phone compulsively every few minutes. Then the awful shock – the object of your heart’s attention is not going to respond or ever contact you again. How does the ghoster feel? According to Shannon, who often has to pacify feelings of guilt, the person ghosting actually feels lower than a snake and is reeling with guilt and shame – so why then ghost in the first place??
Ghosting Can Negatively Impact New Dates
Understandably, this can cause lasting psychological damage and anxiety for everyone. “Many clients report experiencing anxiety, decreased self-esteem, as well as depressive symptoms,” says Shannon, because after being ghosted they question why they at least did not deserve an honest “goodbye”. Shannon says that being a ghostee is a shattering experience for anybody. These people report a reduced sense of self-worth, belonging, lowered self-esteem, less control, and a reduced sense of meaningful existence. It amplifies feelings of betrayal, abandonment, shame and emotional pain. The ghosting is a worse experience than the ending of the relationship, with long lasting effects.
The emotional pain suffered after being ghosted may also affect new relationships. Often, the anxiety resurfaces when you’re left on read for a millisecond too long, for example – you hear the death knell of a budding romance long before it’s sounded. “Being ghosted can create trust issues and fear of abandonment in future relationships,” says Shannon. “Clients may become more guarded and reluctant to open up emotionally, fearing that they might be ghosted again. Clients have expressed feeling more clingy or desperate for reassurance in subsequent relationships, while others have expressed feeling even more detached and resistant to intimacy.”
There are situations when ghosting is ok – like someone is rude or lewd and shows no respect for you. If it is someone you have told that it is over pesters you, it is okay to cut them dead. Casual dates that did not end up well can be ghosted after at least sending a text “I wish you well, goodbye”.
Shannon also mentions that motivations for being the ghoster may vary, but commonly include fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or a lack of emotional investment in the relationship, or even worse, some people suffer from avoidant attachment personality styles and ghost to maintain emotional distance and avoid vulnerability. Others may ghost due to a lack of communication skills or discomfort with confrontation. Shannon then helps her clients see the bright side – they possibly were saved from an even more disastrous experience!
When we reframe the experience of being ghosted when dating, we get a clear perspective and can recognise the character flaw may well lie in the other person – not oneself!!! Your matchmaker and date coach are an invaluable support in these matters!!
Your personal matchmaker is invaluable in helping understand the rules of the dating game, the best ways to encourage when it looks good, or exit when it is not.
Please submit your Personal Profile and we will call and book a chat to discuss how we can improve your dating experience, apart from also meeting prospects that are genuine and RIGHT FOR YOU!!